Fluctuating between a desolate emptiness and a facade of "no care".

People telling me I should laugh, because that's all it was, a big, fat, fucking joke.

Can't laugh for too long. Can't cry anymore. Can't seem to get them out of my mind.

Shouldn't bother me. Shouldn't even phase me. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

Yesterday her ex and I chatted. He fooled me into a corner using cunning wording and a sense of friendship. By way of fishing he got me to accidentally admit that yes indeed, it is she that is with him now. But he genuinely sounded like he knew. What a fool. I just hope to gods he doesn't do something stupid, like hounding her. Despite my own heartache I can appreciate that what I might have inadvertantly caused is undeserved, they do not need me fucking up their peace (if I am even capable of doing such).

Read an old blog just now. Should have left then.

*sighs*

Just don't know. Just don't.