I haven't journaled in, like, forever. I know this, I really do.
I started a blog again...I've recently joined a certain group of people who do a certain type of activity and I, being I, need to talk about it so the blog is me being me. Talking about "inappropriate" things in a space that's anonymous and relatively safe.
I told the Muse about the group of people and how it's opened up my life and how comfortable I am around them and I mentioned to him that I think he'd probably enjoy it too...so he joined.
Wait. Before I get to the punchline, let me interrupt with some flesh.
6 years ago I stumbled on a "cartoonify yourself" type website and I proceeded to make myself one. Equine's boyfriend saw it and wanted one too...and so did the Muse. So I made them each one. I also made some for the guys in the office - it was great fun, at the time.
So...after telling the Muse about the website (actually more about the gatherings but anyway) he tells me, this morning, that he has joined the website. This was not my intention when telling about the meetings, to be honest. I expected him to wait for me to tell him when there's another one and that would be that - he would go to his meeting and I to mine. So this morning, him telling me he joined the same website. I though, "Hey, let me go see what he's done". I logged in and searched for recently joined members and about 8 profiles down, what do I see but the picture I made for him 6 years ago.
*shakes head in puzzlement*
You know. I love my Prince. I love him like I have never loved anyone before. I have loved him for as long as I can remember (we grew up together) and, even though we are not married (yet) I just know that we're going to love each other until the earth claims us once more. I love him. And I love New Guy. And the Fuckwit. And the Muse. Not in the same ways - no no. All very different types of love (I'm pretty sure there is a Hindi version of the love I feel for each of them) all very unique and varying in importance but it's love, nonetheless.
With this in mind - I cannot deny that the idea of him using my profile picture thrilled me. Firstly, the fact that he kept it for so long. Secondly, the fact that he kept it all this time. Hahaha. I just...I don't know. It baffles me, this thing that is the Muse and I. I knew we were never meant to be in a stable relationship. I don't want him like that anymore, I love my Prince and him and I are, for the most part, one entity. The Muse is my guilty pleasure, my titillating texting tidbit. Our friendship (if you can even call it that) can be summed up as follows:
If I am listening to a song and it brings thoughts of him to my mind, I send it to him. If I take a picture of myself that I feel is particularly beautiful, I send it to him. If a thought of him pops into my mind, I let him know. Sometimes we flirt (mostly because it thrills me to turn him on) and sometimes we speak of the past, reminiscing. Sometimes we'll talk common things like SI support groups and the like. These things don't happen often, sometimes we go a month without texting but the fact of the matter is - 10 years down the line, we are still talking. I wonder what 21 year old, distraught Belle would have thought about that, hahahaha.
I don't know. I want him to be happy and I hope he meets someone who can fulfil him in a way that I could not, all those years ago. 10 years. My gods.
Haven't seen the Muse in 6 years. Can't say I know how I'll feel, should our paths cross. *shrugs*
He kept the picture. Heh.