AdoraBell

I have been thinking a lot lately about souls, spirit, reincarnation...the perpetuity of life and how nothing ever really can end. 

For as long as I can recall I have been searching. Searching my soul, searching my being, searching the lives of others and the histories of others, searching psychology & religion...all my life I have been searching to belong. Searching to find a truth that I can believe in. Searching for answers to why, how, who, how long, what does it all mean. In this searching I came up empty and I was faced, at the age of 19 with the chilling realisation that this might be all there is. That life could ever only get as good as it was then (and it was horrible, by the way) and the thought of that, the thought of never experiencing anything more profound or beautiful that that depressed me. It depressed me for years. The belief that I would never be more than I was then, the conviction I had that it was always going to be this...this graduating, working, finding a husband, having children, watching the news, complaining about life, going on holiday if you can afford it, watching your children grow up and throw you away, dying alone and abused in an old-age home...the thought of it depressed me so much that I wanted to die. 

Sure there were glimmers of "Maybe this isn't all there is" but because I was ill-equipped the glimmer would be only that and I would be sucked back down into what I had come to experience as the hum-drum, monotonous existence - a life that left me with a dull ache and no joy. The glimmers were just enough to keep me alive. Alcohol provided a welcome escape from my many existential crises I was having. Drugs provided me with the hope that life could always be that shiny and happy and full of possibilities only to drop me back down into the realisation that, nope, this is actually all there is. Every time I would go up and come down it would be to a lower low. A stronger conviction that I was right all along - life is a lemon and I want my money back. 

For years I suffered emotional abuse at the mouth and mind of my mother and her son. I understand that she started out wanting me to be happy. I get that, for a while, I was a joy to her. I simply stopped being a joy when she realised that the Me that I was differed tremendously from the picture she had had in her mind. Her sons, on the other hand were exactly what she had envisioned and they continued to be her pride and joy. Granted, there was a time when she treated me the same. The time we were alone and her sons had gone from the house to live their own lives. With their mates and their jobs. I was still in school and for a while - life was beautiful. Sure, we had no money and we had to struggle every day just for our daily bread but life. Was. Good.

When the God Son bought a house for the three of us I thought my life couldn't get any better. I had finally reached a stage in my life where my brother didn't hate me and my mother wasn't always complaining about her son not being there for her. Then things turned - as they do. My mother started becoming obsessed with the apple of her eye again and that apple remembered how much he despised me. Life was hell again.

Long story short - My life up until last year April only showed me one thing - that life sucks, happiness is fleeting and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I had come to realise that no matter how good I am, no matter how much I do for people and no matter how hard I pray - I was doomed to live a life of pain and soul-numbing monotony. 

Then I attended a workshop, and my whole life changed.

I am not saying there has not been pain but it has been that thing that teachers and guru's spout over and over again - it was exquisite pain. The pain of being ALIVE. Hand-in-hand with that pain came joy I had only glimpsed before. Joy I had only seen fleetingly in certain moments of my life. The Muse's kisses. New Guy's hair shimmering in the morning light. The Fuckwit's eyes when he looked at me. I had experienced that joy more and more often after meeting my Prince but nothing prepared me for what I felt after I had begun the shift from perpetual victim to peaceful master. Nothing prepared me for the love I would feel. Nothing could. Maybe nothing ever would have. After wishing for death for most of my life - to finally find a lust for life I never knew I had - I have no words.

I have been thinking a lot lately about souls, spirit, reincarnation...the perpetuity of life and how nothing ever really can end and I have come to realise that even though this life will, eventually, end - for the first time in my life I can look to the future and know that never again will I be that small person who allowed her mother and brother to ruin her. Never again will I allow other people to dictate my happiness for me. Never again will I lie awake at night trying to stay alive, fighting with every last fibre of my being to keep breathing.

Breathing is easier now. Living is good. Life has meaning again for me now. 

I finally found a home. A place where I am loved and accepted. I found that home in Myself.
I finally found a belief system that speaks to the core of who I am. I found that in Spirituality.
I finally found a mode of being that is unfailing in its beauty, consistent in the amount of joy it brings. I found that in Love.

I have finally found a place from which to operate, a place from which I can "fix" what I always viewed as "broken" in myself. When I have finally become 100% Me, my aim is to be all that and more for the people around me. But I will fix my oxygen mask securely before I offer my people the same.

Finally - I have forgiven my brother his abuse and his hatred towards me because I have looked back and seen the times where he tried, without his own oxygen mask, to enlighten me and give me breath. I am learning to overcome the years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my mother and one of these days I will be free of that stain on my soul and I will release myself from the prison of anger and resentment.

One of these days.

Love and light to all of you. 

Thank you for reading

So...I haven't done this in a while. Almost a year, now. 

told me she was thinking of re-igniting her dA profile and I thought I might then do the same.

So here goes.

Since I last updated, I have:

• Written and passed my SACAP accreditation exam. I am now a Professional Architectural Draughtsman.
• "Written" and passed my driver's license.
• Been appointed as the Drawing Office Manager. 
• More than doubled my salary.
• Quit Smoking
• Bought a car.
• Plotting buying a house with Prince...

This weekend past my Prince went to go and assist on the Revelations workshop provided by the same people in charge of Gateway and Genesis mentioned in my previous post. This was also the weekend that saw me finally studying for my Professional Practice Exam - the exam that I have been putting off for a good three years now. Also - this weekend past was one of the darkest weekends I have had in years. 

I only really realised, this morning, the possible reason why this weekend drew me back into the vortex of dark, dank depression.

Firstly - Prince left late Saturday night after working the entire day so there really wasn't much time for me to say goodbye, as such. Then he was away until last night when he crept in beside me and I could not even bring myself to hold him - something I normally do immediately after he's been away.

This weekend was an unpleasant reminder of the person I used to be - the person I still can revert to if I am not careful. I contemplated cutting, contemplated drugs, contemplated phoning Jack, even. Gods I wanted to cut, so very fucking badly. I knew this would probably hurt Prince and I think that is the only reason I didn't do it. 

The minute he left I broke down and cried such as I have not done in a very, very long time. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the spot where I sat, smoking and crying. I scared myself with the viciousness of my sobs. Actually, it was more keening than sobs. I felt like he'd gone from my life. I got a sneak peek into what it would feel like if he weren't there anymore. If he were to leave me or die and the depth of my love shocked and surprised me.

This kind of then brings me to the possible reason for this (almost) relapse.

Ever since I can remember I have always been second. My father's work was more important to him than I was. My mother had to give more attention to the God-Child than to me, thus I was and have always been less than him. I wasn't enough for the Muse. Jack found his First Lady. The Fuckwit did. My two brothers were the best of friends leaving no room for me. "Best Friends" in school always found someone more awesome. 

Then I met my Prince. I thought I had finally found someone who will love me above all others. Someone who will be my No.1 and who'll have me be his. Now I know, this is not the way of the enlightened. I realise that we should love ourselves and all people around us. I know that love is not possession but freedom but damnit, I want it. I have always wanted it. I have wanted it so much I even forgot I wanted it. Until I, once again, didn't make the cut. 

That is the dark wanting that was rejected this weekend. That is why I could not bring myself to hold the man that I love so dearly. That is the reason I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear, cut until cutting lost its meaning. Break bones just so that I could hide at home for weeks. This is why I cried myself to sleep. This is why. 

So now what. Now that I have identified that lost vestige of myself - what do I do with it.

I love him. I don't want him gone. I love him but this feeling is so thick, so poisonous that I don't even know what to make of it.

I will let it run its course, I guess.

Thank you for reading, whoever you may be. 

Good evening, dear deviants who actually still read here

For those of you who know and for those of you that don't, the following journal is for you...hehe

Jiminy and I re-met for the first time in ten years on the 13th of July 2013. That night he (appatenly - I cannot recall for I was drunk as a skunk) told me about these "workshops" he attended. Mainly called "Gateway". For the first 7 months of our relationship I thought things were going as well as could be expected, knowing my track-record with relationships. All through those 7 months I would hear him talk about Gateway and about the guy that actually "presents" the whole thing and after a while I grew rather tired of the word "Gateway". Until I decided to finally just do the fucking course, even if I only do it so that my boyfriend and I can finally speak the same language.

So at the beginning of April I did my Gateway course and I was profoundly moved by the things I learnt. I boldly stepped back into the real world expecting that Gateway fixed something that I always thought was broken. Needless to say, I fell down quite a few times - hating myself for not being able to hold onto the feeling I had after the workshop - being angry at Jiminy for being more "enlightened" than me...a lot of things went crazy in the six weeks between my Gateway and my Genesis workshops.

But wait - before I continue - I just realiseds that Jiminy is no more an appropriate name for my Love. He shall thus from here on out be known as "My Prince".

Anyway, back to me

After doing Gateway I though I had "arrived" but after doing the Genesis course I realised how silly I was thinking that anything in life has a destination. It's always about the journey and, lo' and behold - how the journey goes is all up to me!!'

It's on Genesis that I realised how much love I have inside myself to give to others. It's AFTER Genesis that I realised that I do not give myself enough love. I really have hated myself for as long as I can remember and after Genesis I though I was magically cured of that. I thought that by giving to the people around me I would automatically start loving myself more.

This was not the case.

One morning I was crying to My Prince in the bath and I came to see that I still do not really love ME. I kind of like ME, every so often when I do something I regard as being "good" but for the most part, ME really was not something worthy of love. This is why I could not even begin to fathom, let alone recognise the love My Prince has for me. By not allowing myself to love...well...myself I can to see that I cannot even allow someone else's love to penetrate the protection I had built up over the years.

It's only after Genesis that I saw these things more clearly and this has enabled me to work on my self-love more purposefully, all the while not entertaining the "EGO", ya know?

Fuck. I had something helluva profound to say tonight but I guess it popped out the window.

All I want to say is this: I have wasted the last 10 years of my life on depression, self-loathing, self-pity, laziness and stagnation. No more, I say. I refuse to suffer. I refuse to allow other people's thoughts and impressions and assumptions to affect me because I have realised that what they perceive about me is just that, THEIR perception. It has sweet blue fuck-all to do with me.

The freedom that comes with this is indescribable.

That is all.

I love each and every one of you who read and sometimes comment.

Peace, love and light to you all

Joni

I just had a realisation. I was contemplating my well-known pattern of people-pleasing - that pattern which I have gotten better at avoiding. I don't live to please everyone anymore, only the important people. Mother, Brother, Boyfriend.